Hey Cupid, Please Don’t Shoot at My Head

My doctor says I have a thick skull, but I don’t want to risk it.

Despite the extra protection my cranial abnormality might provide, I’m taking a chance this Valentine’s Day and I’d like to be around long enough to see if it all works out… so aim low.

Last year I wrote about sharing some love and appreciating the underlying theme of Valentine’s Day, even if there wasn’t a significant other in your life.

While I meant every word I wrote, I assure you Hallmark wasn’t knocking down my door for the rights to turn the story of my evening into a made-for-TV-movie.

It began with watching my favorite chick flick, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, while eating delicious treats wondering why I’m always the groomsman and never the groom.  I downed a box or two of those chocolates that come in the red, heart-shaped container then cried myself to sleep as I heard the words of my mother continuously echoing in my head,

“You aren’t getting any younger, Steven John.”

I get it, my biological clock is ticking and I’ve been hitting snooze for the last 27 years.  In my defense, I was in the dark about the whole sex thing until I was at least 9 or 10.  I didn’t even know how my own equipment worked, let alone how I was going to incorporate the integration of another, even more mind-boggling piece of human anatomy.

I remember that fabled day of enlightenment in Mrs. Schwalm’s 5^th grade class as if it were just last week.  Only the essentials were covered at the time, with basic diagrams and fundamental vocabulary.  The room was full of snickering children trying not to laugh out loud each time they heard the word “penis.”

It makes me think about Kindergarten Cop and the wise words young Joseph shared with Detective John Kimble, “Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.”

That’s what I was working with.

So, I’m claiming ignorance for the pre-pubescent years… let’s fast forward to present day.

While my knowledge of sex may only be slightly more advanced, I like to think I’ve learned a thing or two about love over the years.  I’ve broken a couple hearts, and had my broken equally as many times.  If I can share anything with you, it’s this: there is no halfway with love.

There is no MediumMac of love with one beef patty and light special sauce, only a BigMac of love.  They don’t have special SmallGulps with half love and half Coca-Cola, only BigGulps with 100% love flavoring…

There is no partially falling in love.

It’s all or nothing baby, and that’s what scares the shit out of most… it’s what scares the shit out of me.

I’ll tell you right now, it doesn’t feel good having your heart shattered into a million pieces; whether you had it coming or not.  It’s enough to make you build up an internal barrier tall enough to reach the moon; that’s not easy to break down.

At first, time passes slowly and the wall remains fully intact.  But there is something inside you, something that you partially embraced once before but now lays dormant, waiting for the right moment to emerge.  It will gradually rise from the depths of your heart and the recesses of your brain then begin chipping away at your barricade’s foundation.

You don’t notice it at first because the sound of its hammer is muffled by the pain of recent memories.  All you know at this point is that you will never love again; you believe that ship has sailed.

Time continues to creep forward and the hammering begins to gain strength.  Painful memories begin to fade and new experiences take their place in the forefront of your mind.  It’s not that you are forgetting this person, just accepting their new role in your life, and your role in theirs.  The wall begins to lean.

The hammering becomes pounding.  Before long the massive barricade is teetering on nothing more than a thin sliver of its once massive base.  There’s only one thing keeping it from toppling: you.

You must accept that which has been chiseling away at your protective barrier this whole time…

Love.

It was not love that failed you, but your faith in love that led you astray.  You listened to your head, not your heart.

You built up a massive wall because you wanted to block out the one thing that caused you more pain than you could ever imagine.  Ironically it was love that ripped that wall down.

It was your uncertainty, your wavering faith in something so pure that laid the foundation for such an obstruction to be built.  Had you loved with a full heart from the beginning you would have seen it; you would have realized that love has no limit – it is overly abundant.

Love does not depend on the individual you are with, only the capacity in which you are willing to accept it into your life.  Acknowledging this simple truth will make you realize how lucky you are to have experienced it in the first place.  But don’t be fooled…

Love is easy to fear.

It’s understandable, and you’re not alone.  But do you have the strength within you to conquer that fear when the time calls for it?

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.
            –  Mahatma Gandhi

The opportunity may present itself in which you’ll have to make a choice: hide behind your wall, or allow it to be torn down.  It won’t matter if you’ve been in a relationship for years, are just at the beginning of something new, or still looking for that unique connection.  You’ll be forced to make a choice.

Take a chance or seek the security and comfort of familiarity?

I’m choosing to take a chance, just go for it and lay it all out on the table…

Hey
just relax.
I know you’re nervous,
so am I
but it’s only just the beginning.
there’s no need to be shy,
just be you and
I’ll be me,
after all
isn’t that how this came to be?
I apologize if I stare
I don’t mean to be rude,
there’s just something about you,
can’t decide if it’s true.
you may be the one for me
and me the one for you,
but for now
let’s put that aside
and not trouble out minds,
it will be determined with time.

It may work out, it may not.  I’m open to all possibilities, ready to enjoy the journey regardless of what path it takes me down.

So, Cupid, I’m ready.

Reach into your quiver and pull out an arrow.  Pull back on your bow and fire away.  I may flinch at first, but I’ll hold strong… just try not to aim at my head.

Keep Drifting.